I dated a sociopath and it scarred my life with an emotional death. The similarities to the Gilgo Beach Serial Killer suspect are eerie and I want to warn people about the common flags of sociopaths and psychopaths.
It all began innocently enough, with a man who I will refer to only as X, joining my Thursday night yoga class through a mutual friend’s introduction. I had been excited about opening my own yoga studio, and our friend portrayed X to be a potentially helpful financial analyst who was also interested in yoga. She suggested that he could “run some numbers” in exchange for yoga classes. Little did I know, this friend was in love with him, and played into his penchant for yoga teachers, feeding X’s manipulative tendencies and perverted desires, reminiscent of Ghislaine Maxwell’s questionable actions, which is an entirely different psychological examination.
X was quiet, polite, soft-spoken and well mannered, for the most part, with an undertone of witty flirtation. He wasn’t unattractive, some would even say good looking, yet what struck me recently is the eerie resemblance he bears to Rex Heuermann, the Gilgo Beach suspect, only slimmer. If you saw a side by side photo you would think it was the same man’s before and after weight loss photo. They even share the same initials and worked in the same industry. However, the similarities extend beyond appearances. My ex, as I would discover, had a disturbing appetite for stalking yoga instructors and engaging in covert, deceitful activities, including using fake email addresses on Craigslist to solicit full-body bikini photos from women, disguised as a casting producer. Additionally, his troubling Google searches mirrored those of Rex Heuermann, except targeted more towards “naked grannies in bondage” and “topless yoga teachers.”
You may recognize my name from earlier this year, about a boyfriend who broke my wrist during a jealous rage, related to a text from Maroon 5’s Adam Levine. X is the same abusive boyfriend that was mentioned in those stories.
To my shock, years later I learned that X had spent four years in federal prison for being involved in one of our nation’s most significant fraud scams, yet he had managed to bury his past and even secure loans from banks for his business. He took classes on how to mind control others, always believed that he was smarter than everyone else, and it later became evident that white male privilege had played a clear role in his averting detection from such deviant behaviors. No one would expect this from a tall, successful, educated, good looking, white businessman, would they? From an “average Joe?” No, they wouldn’t.
Despite my lack of attraction to him, X managed to manipulate me into dating him after several seemingly innocent dinner dates, presented as a ‘thank you’ for the free yoga. He presented himself as educated, a former Air Force businessman with an interest in yoga and healthy living, but his quiet, withdrawn, and controlling nature lacked the passion I was typically attracted to in a relationship.
One morning, after a few months of officially dating, while making the bed, I stumbled upon a book on his night table titled “How to Make a Woman Fall in Love With You.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony, realizing X had been employing tactics from the book to sway my emotions towards him. I remember immediately thinking “Ha! He thinks he can get ME to fall in love with HIM?!” as I read the section that the book was opened to, assumably the last pages that he had read from:
“Ask her to do something for you. The more invested that she is in you, having taken actions to do something for you, will equate to her having feelings for you.”
Later that day, he called, asking me to return a pair of his swim shorts to a store on Rodeo Dr. in Beverly Hills. His unspoken confidence that such a favor would make me fall for him was laughable to me, considering my own independence and open willingness to help others, regardless if I loved them or not. Little did I know that this was just the beginning of the horrors that lay ahead.
With time, I realized that X displayed classic traits of a narcissistic sociopath. Yet, I was already under his spell, watching myself behave like Pavlov’s dog, and struggling to act like myself again. It was as if I was a witness to my life, not in control of it. It is important to create space for empathy and understanding for victims of narcissists and sociopaths, as those who haven’t experienced such manipulation may struggle to recognize the signs, often dismissing victims as “crazy.” I never thought that anything like this could happen to me, and I truly believe that unless you have experienced a narcissist or sociopath on this level, you likely won’t be able to recognize them, nor will you be able to empathize with others who have. You’ll only see the superficial front that they present, and likely blame the victim as being at fault for any public discrepancies. There is a great saying, “Manipulation is when they blame you for your reaction to their disrespect.” Keep that in mind.
Attempting to move on, I tried to push away the pain and anger caused by my relationship with X, but he had programmed me to be addicted to him, to not abandon him. He taunted me with, “If you don’t move here, I will withdraw from you,” and he constantly played viciously with my emotions, even straight out saying to my face one day, “Have I f-ed with your head enough today? However, I believe that most of us know that shoving our feelings aside won’t work out in our favor, if true healing is the objective. Emotions are like grape juice. They will ferment and bubble over until you share them, maybe even turning them into a fine wine to share with others, with greater purpose and meaning, so that they don’t ferment inside of us.
X was socially awkward. He simply did not have the skills or confidence to be in a relationship with someone that he had feelings for. He was too fearful of being rejected. Therefore he employed tactics to possess his object of attraction, ultimately destroying me in the process, because the free spirited bird that he fell enamored with died in the very cage that he forced her into, eventually killing her spirit. I am luckier than the victims of the Gilgo Beach Serial Killer, in that I survived, but I want to point out that surviving such psychological and emotional abuse is horrifically painful and it takes many challenging years to overcome.
In most cases, a sociopath did not have proper affectation from their parental figure as an infant. That affectation is the start of healthy intimacy and clear communication skills. If, at that young and vulnerable age, they felt uncared for, neglected, unheard or rejected, they will not develop proper relational skills. They will fear rejection, they will blame others for their shortcomings and they will have no remorse hurting others in their distorted means to survive and have their needs met.
Gaslighting. You’ve likely heard this term, or maybe you’ve seen the 1944 American psychological thriller film, starring Ingrid Bergman, titled Gaslight. Well, the following situation is how I discovered what gaslighting is. For my birthday, X organized an elaborate trip up the coast of California together, stopping at multiple hot springs resort locations along the way. At one spot, a little outside of San Luis Obispo, on my actual birthday, we were having dinner at a lovely restaurant, and honestly, we hadn’t been closer than we were at that moment in time. These kinds of relationships have severe highs, mixed with severe lows, making them all the more confusing and painful. This was a high.
X started asking me very serious questions about marriage, including what kind of staff I would desire at our home (ex: housekeeper, nanny, etc.). It was as loving as it had ever been. UNTIL our server returned moments later, to ask if he could get us anything else. X’s response to the server was, “Yes, how about a blonde? I’m done with her,” while motioning towards me. I was absolutely floored and shocked by his comment. The waiter appeared uncomfortable and quickly left our table. I scoffed at X, saying, “Excuse me?!” Without skipping a beat, he replied, “What’s wrong, Love? Do you need more wine?” I didn’t relent, following with, “Just now, you said ‘I’ll take a blonde, I’m done with her’!” to which he acted sensitively insulted that I would think such a thing, and that I was clearly making this up. Talk about a mindf-ck! You start to get lost in delusion, unsure of what is true or not. This is part of their tactics to wear you down, to make you doubt yourself and become an easier victim.
Years after, I called that restaurant. I had remembered the server’s name. Thankfully he still worked there. When I got him on the phone, and awkwardly reminded him of that evening, he kindly confirmed quickly, saying, “Oh my, yes! I’ll never forget how awkward that was. Yes, it absolutely happened as you remembered.”
Now, when it started becoming clear that I was in an abusive relationship (after X broke my wrist), I started snooping for confirmation that I was right in what I felt (some of the things I mentioned above like, Google searches, etc.). This is when I found that he was stalking two other yoga instructors in Los Angeles, and I knew both of them. I emailed them both with the same email, “There is a person I was dating who became abusive … he was subtle in his tactics to date me by coming to my classes … I found your home address and schedule on his desk … I just wanted to let you know so that you can be alert to any dangers.”
Now one of those teachers, A, answered as you would have expected. “Thank you, Alanna! I appreciate the heads up.” However, the other teacher, S, did not respond that way. She was in no way going to allow her ego to be diminished with the belief that someone would come to her class who wasn’t absolutely and sincerely enamored with her magnificence! Instead, she cc’d X, her lawyer and the executives at a yoga studio where we worked. I was just about to implement a children’s yoga program at that studio. In her email, she accused and victim shamed me, putting me at greater risk for retaliation from X, which he did pursue greater means to hurt me as a result.
I could write a four-volume novel on the abuses and nuances of this relationship, but I do not care to allow these experiences into my consciousness anymore. I have done immense work to heal from these traumas and to turn the energy around to help others. I am not the first, I am not alone, but I do believe we need to normalize the conversations around such dysfunctional behaviors. Sociopathy is on the rise, albeit more benign. In an age where we can catfish, and break up a relationship through text, our interpersonal relationship skills are dwindling as a whole in society.
I will be very honest that since this experience I have absolutely experienced more relational difficulties with people than I had prior in my life, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized this has actually been to my benefit. As an unconscious result, I learned to have zero tolerance for narcissism, lying, manipulative or ego driven behaviors, not even a trace will I allow, and I live in Los Angeles! As you can imagine, my circle of friends quickly minimized. I quit clients who I had worked for, many for years. I became highly selective not only who worked at my business, but what kind of clientele I allowed in to my business. I promise you, this has only served me for the better, but it took a long time. Without me realizing it, my selectivity created an authentic and positively productive community even though it sourced from the pain of being around such behaviors, being too great; I simply will not risk going through what I went through ever again.
The terms “sociopath” and “psychopath” are often used interchangeably, but they represent two distinct personality disorders, with the latter proven to be more neurologically induced and the former more developmentally induced, as I mentioned earlier in this article.
While both sociopaths and psychopaths share some common traits (lack of empathy or remorse), there are notable differences in their behavior and emotional responses. Someone can actually be both a sociopath and a psychopath, and both disorders can be low grade, functional individuals who never engage in deviance.
Below are some flags to look out for when dating, hiring, or even when a stranger is complimenting you on your subway ride to work:
- Superficial charm: Sociopaths can be extremely charming and charismatic, often using their charm to manipulate and deceive others. I minimize the sugar in my diet, as well as in my relationships.
- Lack of empathy and emotional connectivity: They have little or no ability to empathize with others or understand their emotions, making it difficult for them to form genuine emotional connections.
- Manipulative behavior: Sociopaths are skilled at manipulating and exploiting others to achieve their goals. They may use charm, flattery, and lies to get what they want. You may feel that you agreed to something without agreeing to something!
- Impulsivity and irresponsibility: Sociopaths often act on their impulses without considering the consequences of their actions. They may engage in risky or illegal behavior without feeling guilt or remorse. Seasoned sociopaths are more careful, however, as they have become very skilled at not getting caught.
- Lack of remorse or guilt: When their actions harm others, sociopaths may not feel remorseful or take responsibility for their behavior.
- Deceitful nature: Sociopaths are habitual liars and can create elaborate stories to deceive others for personal gain or to avoid detection.
- Poor relationships and social skills: They struggle to maintain meaningful and lasting relationships due to their inability to form genuine emotional bonds.
- History of behavioral problems: Early signs of sociopathy can sometimes be observed in childhood or adolescence, including a history of conduct disorders and behavioral issues. Pay attention to people’s past relationships. In my opinion, people rarely change their stripes.
It’s important to remember that not all individuals who exhibit some of these traits are sociopaths, and a comprehensive evaluation by a mental health professional is necessary for a definitive diagnosis. If you suspect that you or someone you know may be dealing with a sociopath, seek help from a qualified therapist or counselor, who can provide valuable support and guidance.
Likewise, if you have been a victim of a sociopath, it can be an incredibly challenging and painful experience, but you’re not alone. Dealing with someone who lacks empathy and manipulates others for personal gain can leave deep emotional scars, but they will heal and you will be stronger and wiser. Here is some advice to help you cope and protect yourself:
- Acknowledge the situation: Accept that you have been involved with a sociopath and recognize that it is not all your fault. Sociopaths are skilled at manipulation, and their actions are not a reflection of your worth or intelligence.
- Reach out for support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your experiences. Having a support system can help you process your emotions and gain perspective on the situation.
- Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to protect yourself from further manipulation or harm. You have every right to protect yourself. Limit your interactions with the sociopath and avoid engaging in their mind games.
- Seek professional help: If the sociopath’s actions have caused significant emotional distress or harm, consider seeking therapy or counseling. A mental health professional and/or trauma therapist can provide guidance and support as you heal from the experience.
- Focus on self-care: Prioritize your well-being and engage in activities that bring you joy and peace. Practicing self-care can help you regain a sense of control and stability in your life while calming down the fight/flight responses that perpetuate stress and hyper vigilance.
- Educate yourself: Learn more about sociopathy and its characteristics to better understand the manipulative tactics used by the individual. Knowledge can empower you to recognize and protect yourself from similar situations in the future.
- Avoid retaliation: It may be tempting to seek revenge or expose the sociopath, but this could put you at further risk. Instead, focus on your healing and well-being.
- Trust your instincts: If something feels off or wrong about a person or situation, trust your gut instincts. Sociopaths can be adept at gaslighting and undermining your confidence, but your intuition can guide you to safety.
- Cut off contact: If possible, sever all contact with the sociopath to prevent them from continuing to manipulate or harm you.
- Seek legal advice: If the sociopath has engaged in illegal activities or poses a significant threat to your safety, consult with legal professionals to understand your options for protection.
Remember, healing from an experience with a sociopath takes time, but with support, self-compassion, and a commitment to your well-being, you can reclaim your life and move forward toward a healthier and happier future. You are in full control, and it starts right now.